Change yourself before starting at a new school?

School ends for my kids in about a month and my 14yr son is going to start in a brand new school system for high school next year because our neighborhood is being redistricted. All he talks about is wanting to ';change'; over the summer so he can make friends with the popular kids and get a girlfriend etc. I've talked with him several times about this, about how popularity doesn't matter and to be friends with people you'll enjoy and having a girlfriend is a MUST etc, but nothing has clicked. He's spoken to one hs kid, but that didn't help either. I went to school w/the sames kids K-12, so I never went through a changing period or had a yearn to be friends w/ a certain group of people. I simply didn't care.


Anybody go through this with their kid or try and change themselves and have a story?


ThanksChange yourself before starting at a new school?
I answered a question similar to this a while ago and wrote an essay about it, so I had 95% of this written already.


I was in your son’s place about 7 years ago. I know this is long, but I think you’ll/he’ll get something out of it. It's not words of wisdom, just what I went through.





When I was a freshman in high school, my 2nd older brother, John, was a senior and was adored by everyone. He did so-so in school but was on the varsity football and lacrosse team. He partied too much, drank a lot and went through girlfriends like toilet paper. The two of us didn’t really get along and were exact opposites except for the fact that we both loved lacrosse. I was too much of a ';goodie goodie'; according to him.


I ended up having gym with a couple of my brother's friends freshman year. They noticed me and started talking to me, pushing me around in a joking way. I started to be accepted by them and then other kids my brother was friends. In a matter of a mouth or two, I went from being just another freshman to ';John's kid brother';. I liked this idea and wanted to be different. I was tired of being a ';loser'; in my brother’s eyes and saw this as a way to be “popular” and to win his acceptance.


I was accepted into a group of kids that were too old for me and I didn't realize what I was getting into. I went from being a great student to a so-so one like my brother. I stopped caring and started getting into trouble. I lost respect of those who mattered and gain it from those who didn’t. I ended up making the lacrosse team even though I didn't earn it simply because my brother was captain. The two of us started to get along and I figured that was a good thing. My parents were happy that we were getting along. I had lots of friends. There was never a dull moment.


For my entire freshman year of high school, everything was handed to me and when John graduated in June 2003, he left me with a reputation that I thought was something to be proud of.


Sophomore year I continued to act the way I had the previous year. I loved it. Parties all the time, driving all over the place, running from cops, tons of girls, no job, no worries etc. I did what I had to do to get by in school to keep my teachers off my back. I made excuses to my parents so they would do the same. The summer before junior year though, my parents got tired of my behavior and got me 2 jobs with long hours so I wouldn’t have any “free time”. During the day I worked at this little kid camp and at night I was at my father’s restaurant. I hated it at first, but after a few weeks, I decided to make the best of it. I started socializing with new kids, some of whom I wouldn’t have even considered talking to during the school year. They were friendly, caring and supportive. It was then that I realized that the people I was friends with weren't really my friends and didn't care an ounce about me. I liked the new people I met, enjoyed their company and the fact that they didn't judge me right off the bat. I started dating this girl, Ashley, and through her I realized that I was tired of getting in trouble and decided to change for the better, not back to my old self before high school, but somewhere in the middle.


At the start of the school year, I forgot all about the whole changing idea. It was too hard to do. Once you earn a reputation, it stays with you and is hard to shake off. Teachers, students and parents already had their minds made up about me and I decided it was no use trying to change. Ashley got extremely annoyed over this and the two us started to get into nasty battles. She constantly reminded me though of what I had decided to do during the summer and though it may sound kind of fairy tale like or unrealistic, she helped me change. It took a lot of work and a lot of growing up, but I slowly started to turn my life around. I started doing better in school, working a little harder and most of the time, making the right decisions. I had proved to myself that I could and be better person if I tried, but not yet to others.


In August 2005, summer before our senior year, Ashley told me she was pregnant. We had done it once, used protection, but sometimes things just happen. I remember what day it was, where we were, what I was wearing etc. I was in total shock. That was my true wake up call. That news spread fast to everyone and people expected me to leave, not be involved, be of no help etc. Boy, were they wrong. I loved Ashley and I was going to do what I was supposed to do.


I went to every doctor appointment, shopped for furniture and clothing, went to classes, volunteered to help a lady with her infant down the street to get a feel for it, worked extra hours and had several jobs etc. Every penny went toward the baby or was saved for the future. I've never worked so hard in my entire life.


My daughter, Rina, was born on Feb 3, 2006 of my senior year. I was almost 18.5yrs. Ashley and I struggled. We tried to juggle school, work, college apps and the baby, but became stressed out and overwhelmed. We argued constantly and I remember even deciding that after high school we were going to go our separate ways. I still wanted to pay for the baby and be involved, but we never worked that part out.


Ashley was killed instantly in a head on car accident in April 2006 driving home from work one evening. I was sitting on the couch with the baby in my arms when I was told. I was devastated. No words can express how I felt. The following morning I remember my mother coming into my room and saying, “So what do you want to do with the baby?”


Within a few days of Ashley passing, I had to decide whether to give Rina up for adoption to another family, give her to Ashley's parents, who later moved to the other side of the country, or raise her myself. I spent hours sitting there trying to figure out what I should do, what would be best for me, best for the baby etc. I ended up taking full custody and feeling like I was going to pass out as I said the words. At that moment, I felt like an adult.


I graduated high school in May 2006, a little over a month after Ashley past away. I was given numerous letters and awards from the principal and school board for my complete turnaround after the ceremony and compliments for “growing up”.


I went to college, not the one I wanted to in Boston, but one about 20 mins from home. took out some loans, got an apartment close to home and started being a dad. I'm still doing all of that now at the age of 20, almost 21yrs.


Rina is a little over 2yrs and is very advanced in the talking/understanding department. The things she knows, says, does etc take me by surprise all the time. She’s a mini version of her mother with blond hair, warm personality and loving heart. She has MY green eyes though…that’s about it.


In addition to raising her and taking her to do all kinds of things, I go to class and run/manage a bar and restaurant with my brothers.


It's in the real world, after high school, that it matters who you are. High school is a joke on some level. Many people try to change and be someone totally different than themselves. Those are the people who miss out and don't have any good memories from high school, who look back on it and say, ';Man, I wish I hadn't done that.'; or ';I wish I did this.'; etc. There are plenty of things I regret doing in high school. These regrets don’t keep me up at night, but I still wish I had done things differently.


My suggestion to your son would be to make friends with people who have the same morals, values and interests as her. Don't worry about who's popular, who's not, who’s done this or who won’t do that. Be yourself and do your best. So when it comes time to graduation, you’re not beating yourself up over the fact that if you tried harder you would have gotten into school X, or if you hadn’t done ____ with _____, you wouldn’t have gotten your reputation/ into big trouble. Put your best foot forward, do what you’re supposed to do and have some fun as well.


Best wishes to your son in high school. Tell him to enjoy the next four years, they're supposed to be “the best of your life”…or at least ones you'll hopefully enjoy 8]





Pasquale Vincenzo RizzionniChange yourself before starting at a new school?
Hey. Me and my mom just moved states. I changed into a whole new school. I tried to re-invent my self but honestly... it didnt work. You have to be who you are or you wont be happy. you will wake up one day lost because you dont know how you got where you are.
well, if middle school is hell, which it is





high school is heaven





people start to accept other people more





it IS hard not being popular, though





mostly new kids get popular, though





just tell him to be friends with the kids wearing Abercrombie and Fitch from head to toe. check for Hollister, too





he is strong and free if he doesnt have a girl
well you certainly have a story up there...


I went through some similar situations with my own girls before they started high school. A lot of people want to change, make new friends and develop into a whole new person for whatever their reason may be. Keep encouraging him to be himself, have to him talk to kids who are already in high school and have him read that long story up there!


The test will be when he gets to high school.
Kids these days change their ';identity'; every school year. A normal looking guy one year might end up in a goth costume after the summer. Then he'll have green hair and a mohawk. This is totally normal.





In High school kids only accept other kids who dress like they do. Kids can't think for themselves so cliques are a fact of life at that age. Having new sets of friends for the first two years is the norm. I didn't have the same friends from Elementary school after making the transition into High school.





I remember that ridiculously baggy JNCO pants were popular when I was 14. I bought a pair and I had some really hot girls come up to me for lunch. I hated the pants but loved the attention! I'm glad they went out of fashion the next year. If he wants to be popular then dressing himself in the ';popular fashion'; will most certainly do the trick if he doesn't have some kind of physical defect. Personality has nothing to do with it. If that's what he wants you can't change his mind. Kids are dumb after all. It's all so crazy isn't it?





But don't worry! College has completely different social dynamics. Anyone can pretty much make friends with anybody else regardless of taste. That's when life and learning starts IMO.